Studio V has moved!

I created a new site in Drupal with a blog that I will update once in a while... = )

http://www.vanessaturke.net/

~Vanessa

One Degree of Change Sustained...

The definition of sustainable development is , "development that "meets the needs of the present without compromising the ability of future generations to meet their own needs." ~ From Wikipedia

For the first time I can remember, the lower-mainland dump towers over the farmland and trees surrounding it, glowing eerily at night and constantly surrounded by masses of swirling gulls. For the third year in a row I have remarked on the precise moment I could see the tiniest evidence of spring bursting out and mindfully marked the acceleration of green around me. I know I create waste and I know I reuse and recycle. But I'd like to do more good - I'd like to be a strong advocate for people, the earth and truly sustainable technology. I had no trouble thinking up clever plans and dove right in, but quickly found myself overwhelmed by the amount of things that needed changing (and how expensive this can be)!

This April, Earth Day weighed heavily on my mind. As my connection to the earth strengthens through my interest in gardening, and my connection to my community becomes enriched through relationships with those around me, I feel more and more inspired to live a more responsible, greener life to be able to preserve the planet for generations to come. I have already been making simple changes in my life to reflect this, but as always felt that I should "do it right" if I was going to go that direction so that I could make a measurable difference.

William Bridges, a leading expert on transition says that changes are a normal part of life, that they are supposed to be uncomfortable, and that you can learn to use the process as a springboard to making your life better than before. Usually a feeling of frustration and disenchantment lead up to the desire for change, but that doesn't mean it's easy to move on to something better.

Bridges says that, "Genuine beginnings begin within us, even when they are brought to our attention by external opportunities." But that doesn't mean we can't use a little help from our friends. I know now that I try to do too much on my own, feeling reluctant to ask others for support for "my issue". It delights me how my thoughts and feelings, once expressed to kindred spirits, meet with not only a soft place to land but so often also an army of like-minded sentiment. It not only takes a village, it makes many many villages.

My village of like-minded moms has helped me countless times with stories concerning similar hopes and fears... inspiring moments that raise my spirits or simple advice for practical, yet inspired living. It is true that one degree of change seems too small to make an impact but over a long distance, one degree changes one's course quite noticeably. Deciding to make a change in your life (like to live more sustainably) does not have to turn your life upside down. There are very small changes you can make that will barely be noticeable and will begin to exercise that "green muscle" until before you know it you are able to take on greater and greater challenges. In my own life, the comparison I like is to one of those long wide turns in my car where I've indicated and the blinker never turns off after the turn. The curve was too subtle. True change needs time to integrate into place. You can make the decision and find yourself taking years to put small actions into place so that they can become positive habits.

Bellow you will find a list of small actions provided by a lovely group of intelligent, successful women (who care about doing the right thing by their children) that can begin to exercise those "green muscles":

✰ Keep fabric grocery bags in your car (or a few spares in case you forget your stash)
✰ If you collect compost but get to lazy to take it out (easy in our rainy climate) dump your compost into a plastic grocery bag and put it into the freezer – then put it in the compost when you are feeling up to it (better than not composting at all). OR if you do not have space for a large outdoor compost then get a worm compost (free kit available from most municipalities) – it is very easy and smell free and you can even keep it indoors
✰ If you make several stops in one shopping complex or plaza park once and walk to your different spots – even if it means crossing the street and walking a block or two.
✰ Pack your kids lunches in re-usable containers. There are many different products that reduce or eliminate lunchbox waste. (bentobox lunch kits make it ways to pack soup, sandwich salad, drinks and snacks with no throw away items – nothing for the trash at all.)
✰ Ease into cloth diapering little by little – it is much much easier than you’d think with the latest diaper “innovations”.
✰ Repurpose household recycling into craft material for kids
✰ Keep egg cartons and use them to grow plants from seed
-use vinegar and water in a hand-spray bottle to combat weeds instead of pesticide (watch out – it kills grass too so spray carefully!)
✰ Collect rainwater for irrigation, you can water plants / garden easily from your rain water barrel and possibly even irrigate your lawn) In Vancouver.
✰ Refrain from watering your grass altogether. It will go yellow and look dead but surprisingly it always comes back
✰ Support local farmers at the farmer’s market – almost every community has one – and shop at your local independent shops, even for just a few key products.
✰ Reusing your plastic bags by keeping a couple in your purse/bag. If I forget my reuseable totes, the reused plastic bags are the next best thing.
✰ Drink tap water again or at least have a caraffe of filtered water in the fridge and a refillable flask to taking with you instead of bottled water.

"As for me, going green was very overwhelming - I felt like I wanted to get rid of everything in my home and start over - and this made me come to standstill! I remember talking to [a friend], and she said 'one thing at a time'. And so it has become a long process, and each year I learn a bit more and make more goals for myself... I started with: cleaning products. So, every time I needed something, I would buy green. Pretty soon, all of the chemicals were gone from my cleaning supplies! Then kids bath/health products. Then my own bath/health products. Then I concentrated on becoming a better recycler. Then it was seeing a naturopath. Which led to eating better and using homeopathic rememedies. Then I decided to cloth diaper [my daughter] at age 14 months. Then came composting. And this year is all about my own organic garden."

"So starting slowly worked for me! Taking one goal at a time and recognizing that it all doesn' t have to change immediately. And there is a snowball effect that happens when you start. As you have more questions, you start to seek the knowledge of others who are also experimenting and figure it out together, sharing tips. And I am still far from being as green as I would like!"
~ Ange, mother of two

We often think in an all or nothing approach when it comes to big changes, but as William Bridges says, "Much as we may wish to make a new beginning, some part of us resists doing so as though we were making the first step toward disaster." Though we feel as though we are losing something - when we acknowledge this feeling as merely a normal defense mechanism and have patience with ourselves, we can keep chipping away at our goal and before we know it, we've come a long way!

In like a Lion, Out like a Lamb: Gentleness and Precision

I am lying in savasana at the end of Yoga class, breathing deeply. This is prime time for bittersweet thoughts, so I'm on guard - releasing tension and gently nudging those work thoughts out of my mind, to dos, scheduling concerns, twinges of regret... Breathing rhythmically, centering myself again. But sometimes I'm up against something more difficult; occasionally the thought is too brutal for a casual brushing aside. One of the strongest is a memory about savasana itself.

I'm sitting with a very ill friend. She is jaundiced and puffy and I am stumbling though small talk to get over those first moments of seeing her appearance so different than at our last meeting. Slowly we relax a bit and discuss her experience with yoga teacher training during her last months. I offer my insight as to the most relaxing pose... savasana of course... only I call it by it's other name - corpse pose. I say, "I love 'corpse pose'" to my friend who is at deaths door. The room goes silent (well except for the elephant of course). I feel like I'm going to throw up. But I don't. I don't say or do anything except look at the floor for about 4 minutes and resist the urge to run away.

Pema Chodron talks about cultivating precision, gentleness and the ability to let go in meditation practice. It's been almost three years since I said something potentially hurtful to a friend, and I think I might be ready to let go soon.

Along with the juiciness of life come fits of emotional thinking. Not always in the Victorian-lady-hysterically-fainting-on-the-couch way, but in the infectious wash it colours a whole day's worth of thoughts a shade darker. When people overwhelmed with anxiety seek help, they are often taught to examine their thoughts and intercept any poisonous ones. They do this with a home-made mental filter they create by simply paying attention for certain illogical thoughts they may have in reaction to daily events.

Here are examples:
FACT: A friend passes by on the street and doesn't speak to you.
THOUGHT: She/he must be mad at me for something.
FEELING: Anger or frustration.

FACT: The big sales deal you were working on doesn't go though.
THOUGHT: I am a failure.
FEELING: Depressed and dejected.

It is widely accepted that humans function emotionally by processing a fact from our lives by applying a judgment to it and then experiencing an emotion we attach to the judgment. Note that the feelings come directly from the thought, not from the fact. We have little or no control over most facts in our lives yet almost total control over our reactions to them. You always have some degree of choice - and the more you practice separating out the facts from the thoughts and feelings, the better you become at letting things go and feeling, conversely, more in control of your life.

This practice also takes precision and gentleness. Gentleness with yourself as you patiently pursue every stray thought for some kind of unhealthy pattern; precision as you take note of particular distorted thoughts you are prone to. There is a long list of negative thinking patterns, and chances are you use a few of them on a daily basis. Habitually disqualifying the positive, thinking in black and white or over-personalizing events are just a few examples. You can find a complete list at the UBC Leap Site.

When you begin to examine the thought patterns you generate on a daily basis, you can begin to modify them as needed to create a better state of mind, transitioning from doubt and negativity in sensitive areas of your life to an optimistic (or at least a neutral) outlook.

{As my favorite horoscope line of all time goes, "stop sticking carrots in your eye you silly bunny."}

Terra Incognita - The Physics of The Quest

"What is it about the American obsession with productivity and responsibility that makes it so difficult for us to allow ourselves a little time to solve the puzzle of our own lives, before it’s too late?" ~ Elizabeth Gilbert

I've been seriously re-examining my life's motivation.

While this sounds very grand and epic, I must admit that I'm not actually ruminating very deeply on my actual "end goal", the proverbial sum total of my life, but rather how I choose to live every bland little moment in-between now and... then.

I'm wondering about what makes me choose to add a particular task to my list - and what makes me execute some of these internal commands in such a brutal fashion? I do work that I love in an environment where we are encouraged to prioritize, reorganize, set goals and work harder & smarter. Is this cruel or unusual? No, not at all. It is natural and admirable. Yet it's in the acting out this task oriented diligence that I'm finding a metal roughness that seems cold and stifling.

During the "Coping Digitally" session at the Northern Voice conference at UBC last weekend, Todd Maffin quipped that above all, society values busyness. I can't agree more. As long as we strive, as long as we dive headlong into our work we can convince ourselves that we are quickly approaching that illusive and infuriating "successful life". It's a delicious combination of harried, almost guilt-free, martyrdom and denial. Yet there is always that niggling feeling that something is still missing, if only there was more efficiency, more discipline, more time.

Sometimes when I encounter people who are tremendously inspiring to others in their field, I wonder how they maintain balance. I often assume that these high octane people driven to excel and accomplish feel as though they have something to prove, that they are accomodating for some perceived short-coming. I have met successful people that were work-acholics, alcoholics or just plain overly self absorbed. But then there are those rare few who seem to be "unencumbered" by pressures of any sort. I feel envy of when encountering either type, but there is a certain amount of satisfaction to be felt when meeting the first type of power-person. Sure they are at the top of their game, but are they happy? Ha! That nice holier than thou sensation is pretty warm and fuzzy... The second kind maintains a cool, casual respectibility whilst pulling off regular feats of utter brilliance (effortlessly?) not seeming to care a flying fig about the opinions of others. This begs the question of whether it truly matters if you are motivated by fear (pushed) or by love (pull). Does the emotion we evoke as we create our lives colour the outcome?

I don't know the scientific answer, but I do know that when I let go and let myself feel the ridiculous utter joy of every silly insignificant moment and trust, simply trust that all is unfolding as it should be, I feel as close to my best self as I have ever have. When I collect a whole day's worth of these silly little moments in my thoughts, they suddenly feel very ripe and profound and I feel wholly grateful for each of them.

In the world of artists, creativity and self imposed suffering have gone hand in hand for centuries. In an entertaining TED speech, author Elizabeth Gilbert explains in how artistry has not always led to anguish talking about how creative people might manage the emotional risk of the creative process not always going as they had planned.



I wonder if we are finally getting a faint whiff, the barest pheromone of an idea that things could be different for us. Different, and yet somehow familiar. (Like maybe this has all happened before and will all happen again?) I'm seeing more articles in mainstream magazines about how to balance our lives. People are interested in how to live self-actualized lives.

Perhaps it is time to take the ego out of the equation entirely, instead of anxiously chasing potential achievements, to begin focusing on living each moment in an infinite rally of inspiration. The cognitive equivalent of truly accepting and loving the one (thought/action) you are with.

Non Sequitur

For 2009, I'm working on being humble. This is not going to be a phase of subtle false modesty, "...what this old thing?". No, this time, I'd like to break my addiction to seeking praise and acclaim completely - become independent of the good opinion of others. I want to do what I need to do without being afraid that it just won't cut it. I don't want to simply repeat the mantra that I am enough just as I am, I want to experience this truth live itself out through my actions.

At first, I held this intention purely in my head, letting myself serve some whatever purpose naturally presented itself. I felt a little like I was floating on air - I felt serene. I imagined myself as some kind of Saint Thérèse, embracing the simplicity of the "Little Way". Ya Cool. I was on my way to expressing the greatest humbleness EVER!!

Then, quite suddenly, I started to feel an awkward subservience to those around me... Why didn't they notice and remark about how fantastically humble I had become!?!? Yep. Back to square one.

If you canvased the kids in my daughter's grade two class about what they wanted to be when they grow up, most of the girls would declare that the life of a pop star was in their future, and a majority of the boys would report upcoming careers in the NHL. These things represent the epitome of success to them. Celebrities must be so defined because they are the Best, and being the Best means never having to say your sorry. The end justifies the means. And if you are the Best you can be a nasty piece of work and everyone can't help loving you anyway - you are a legend.

Even as adults we dream of being the Best. Why do we feel encouraged to set our expectations ever higher, often leading to feelings of inadequacy? While there seems to be nothing spiritually wrong with a regression toward mediocrity, it's just not something that we tend to aspire to. Despite dreams of sky rocketing, most of us eventually drift into something sensible and continue go with the flow. But secretly, we wonder... what would it be like to be on top of the world?

Over the holidays I began, once again, to read the Tao Te Ching; a 2500 year old spiritual text written by Chinese philosopher Lao Tse. This spiritual adept is regarded alternately as a legitimate historical figure from 4th century BC, a mere mythical character, or a Taoist God.

"Taoism" can be a philosophical school based on the texts of the Tao Te Ching; or "Religious Taoism" which includes a the Chinese folk religion. The texts are written in an antiquated form of Chinese that is difficult to translate, so there are a lot of varying interpretations centering around the Tao's main concepts of compassion, moderation, and humility. Taoist theology emphasizes ideas such as naturalness, vitality, peace, "effortless action", emptiness, detachment, the strength of softness (or flexibility), receptiveness, spontaneity, and the relativism of human ways of acting of speaking.

Verse 13 in particular has been on my mind, and I've been re-reading it in a few different translations. I had trouble choosing which one to quote here, but settled on a modern version by Archie J. Bahm, Frederick Ungar Publishing, (1958).

"Pride and shame cause us much fearful anxiety. But our inner peace and distress should be our primary concerns.

"Why do pride and shame cause us so much fearful anxiety? Because: Pride attaches undue importance to the superiority of one's status in the eyes of others; And shame is fear of humiliation at one's inferior status in the estimation of others. When one sets his heart on being highly esteemed, and achieves such rating, then he is automatically involved in fear of losing his status. Then protection of his status appears to be his most important need. And humiliation seems the worst of all evils. This is the reason why pride and shames cause us so much fearful anxiety.

"Why should our inner peace and distress be our primary concerns? Because: The inner self is our true self; so in order to realize our true self, we must be willing to live without being dependent upon the opinions of others. When we are completely self-sufficient, then we can have no fear of disesteem.

"He who wisely devotes himself to being self-sufficient, and therefore does not depend for his happiness upon external ratings by others, is the one best able to set an example for, and to teach and govern, others."

I'm always surprised (though I shouldn't be I guess) when I hear an artist, actor or musician I admire say that they don't really feel "cool enough", or when they wonder out loud if they will ever do anything that they will be truly proud of. It shocks me a little, yet also makes me feel better about those same feelings I struggle with.

"Hard to be soft, tough to be tender." Here's a wonderful interview with Emily Haines of Metric.

Harbinger of Nothing in Particular

"To be an artist is not a matter of making paintings or objects at all. What we are really dealing with is our state of consciousness and the shape of our perception. The act of art is a tool for extended consciousness..." --Robert Irwin

I seem to be on some kind of all-work sabbatical. Not a dull girl at all, but I'm picking expectations off me like ticks. Toiling with my mind and not getting my hands dirty is frustrating - especially when I set my sights on some particular subtle outcome involving a "feeling" about the results of these hours of concentration. What a hair-shirt!

When I gather knowledge it makes me happy to soak it up greedily, for it never seems like a bad thing at the time. My penchant for excitement and drama strips from it any idealistic appeal. I'm a realist at heart. I know that a generalist like me can never hope to approach perfection in any one thing. Not anything that can be demonstrated or that comes with a piece of parchment that proves mastery. I am condemned to an almost exclusively subjective inner experience. And this is what I attempt to record here.

I don't want anything from you. I'm not trying to be funny. I don't have anything to sell you. I do not have the latest breaking news on stocks, stars or technology. There is no-thing, no trick I can try to offer here that isn't duplicated around this web-world in a thousand other ways (nicer looking, better prose, more effective allusions/metaphors and more lofty conclusions).

My hands are empty and I love this feeling at this time of year. I am not Christian, but I celebrate Christmas. Not for the birth of a son of God, but for the rebirth of the light of Spiritus Mundi. Every year when darkness falls it seems a poignant commentary on something in my life and everything around me! It is indeed darkest before the dawn. I find it lovely how the dawn occurs each year whether one is in need of a rebirth of faith in one's life or not. The allegory is not lost on me (just the literal facts).

I am entertained by the way that I can see beauty all around me and not be able to express it to my satisfaction. I love that I find some people's soul so beautiful it pains me... and how I say nothing about it to them or of them. I like the secret. I like the juiciness of that one clear connection that remains unsaid. It is a fully actualized thought that neither whores itself, nor hides itself like a hermit. It's not up to me to draw conclusions, but to let these thoughts fly, unencumbered by judgment.

I'm writing this for me in the way I would trace my name into the sand at East Beach. I heart me. I heart this spicy existence and this imperfect blog. I heart the way I love the darkness of a mind in turmoil, an ordinary day full of ordinary experiences, and the way my reaction to events irks me to craziness. I heart the way I burn bridges, the ruthless way I reject. I heart my unfinished projects (and my ridiculous lust for world domination). And the effort it takes to hit publish. It's not that deep, not that exciting. It's not for anyone's pleasure, this secret post. But that is at the heart of creation: faith in the process.

In each human heart terror survives
The ravin it has gorged: the loftiest fear
All that they would disdain to think were true:
Hypocrisy and custom make their minds
The fanes of many a worship, now outworn.
They dare not devise good for man's estate,
And yet they know not that they do not dare.
~from Percy Bysshe Shelley's Prometheus Unbound

I am Blue Sky

"Your own mind is a sacred enclosure into which nothing harmful can enter except by your permission."

~Ralph Waldo Emerson

I read once, in some spiritually based article about psychology, that our thoughts are clouds over the clear blue sky that is our true inner "self". I like that metaphor. I imagine the constant stream of critical, dark thoughts that arise out of insecurity about our performance, social convention, and self worth swirling ominously around fluffy white pockets of joy.

I often spend the day pummeling my mind with an array of perceived deficiencies which, in turn, make my daily tasks more difficult, prone to misinterpretation and error as they sift through a cluttered web of chemtrails made with half baked intentions and fragmented inspirations.

When I imagine the ever-present storms that my thoughts must create around me, I am struck how my every-day personality must be nearly wholly made up of swirling masses of perceptions, reactions and judgements. I am like the planet Jupiter, made almost entirely of dense thoughts that obscure my elemental core. The world seems too much with me and in reality never touches me at all.

There was a time in my life, from early childhood up until about aged 13 that I lived almost wholly in my imagination. I read fiction voraciously from the time I was seven years old and pulled from these books the characters, settings and plots that were as real to me as any object in the tangible world around me. It may have been caused by unusual amount of solitude I experienced through the ages of five 'till nine.

I can still conjure up, twenty-something years later these familiar vignettes:

• I am a ballooning spiderling, on a veil and a prayer.
• A marooned aviatrix pushing through the boundless Congo jungle.
• I am Nimuë, turning an already swallowed poison into a harmless sweet syrup.
• I am a princess of Amber traveling to Tir-na Nóg'th, Frakir tightened about my wrist.
• I am a Priestess of Avalon, white hand moving swiftly to hide runes in a velvet bag.
• A Bene Gesserit who walks gracefully, yet without rhythm, so not to attract the sandworm.
• I am the only one the Commander trusts to return the stolen microfiche.
• The only one the Black Stallion will let ride.
• The only one who can hear the ghost of the murdered girl howling for revenge.
• The only one who repair the last rocket's engine.

I had a dragon who grew in real time after appearing in my room at age 7, and leaving me to wander off to explore the world after he and I were fully grown. (Julian found me when he was about the size of a German Shepherd and flew off to seek his fortune when he was about the size of a school bus.)

I had fairies and angels that followed me around murmuring inappropriate jokes at inopportune times or giggling and chanting when I was trying to fall asleep. Small creatures that seemingly had no purpose (and no social skills) vied for my attention. And then there were the glowing orbs of light that would swirl around the room as I lay calm and trance-like, sleepless in that endless darkness of a child's experience of night.

All these things faded away over time. Perhaps they were poisoned by my adolescent mind as the attractions of the outer world eclipsed the enchantments of the inner. I remember these things with a smile, shaking my head with relief that I never gave anyone a reason to examine my mental health. Though now as my self actualization develops I am drawn again inward to the pursuits of my imagination. My fantasies are now based on real people and events. A motley group of desires -- writing a book on tropical isle, a pair of boots certain to possess magical powers, something shiny, a gentle soul reaching out, a force as strong as it is kind.

We are stuck between the need for security and a longing for adventure, seeking out entertainment that provides a safe glimpse into a fascinating parallel world. Enjoying a story that plays on the big screen on merely in the mind.